Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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