i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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