On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
