Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Soap is not a condiment
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
