69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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