i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
