The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
