The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
