I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
