I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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