3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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