I just pynch a tree in the face
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
