Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
