her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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