I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
