xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
