Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
