I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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