I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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