Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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