hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
