I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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