I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
