i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
