My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
