i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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