I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
