Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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