why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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