i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
