I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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