i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
