All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
