I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
