Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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