I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
