Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
