How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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