so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
