1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
