I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
