can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
