I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize