Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
