Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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