look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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