Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
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don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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