Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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