Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
