theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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