Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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