mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it was like eating out sand paper
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
