Will you blow on my dice?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
