So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
