I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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