No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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