WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
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In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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