I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
