Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
