I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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